so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
