I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
