so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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