If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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