I hope mine doesn't look like that
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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