my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like giving head to a cactus.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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