he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
