dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
