mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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