Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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