My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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