My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Who died my cat blue again?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
