my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
