giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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