i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
