just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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