Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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