the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
