Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
