Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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