I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
