At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
