he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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