i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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