We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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