Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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