So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
