I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
