Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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