I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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