my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
