There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Someone shattered a urinal.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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