hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
