Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
