i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
