covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
