I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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