I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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