If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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