1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
