Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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