you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
