The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
