We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
