Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
