Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
