My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
