I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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