Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
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I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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