I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
