Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
