Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
