the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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