No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
