I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
