ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
