I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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