i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
