Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
