We're facebook friends in real life
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
