When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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